My Mind Is A Wildfire

I don't know how this is going to go, but I just want to mash some words out of my brain - because right now, I feel low - and I think I owe some people an explanation. So let's set the scene. One of the members from AOD (Angels Of Death) - first team I ever joined - created a Discord Server for Team Owners of racing teams in iRacing - being the owner of Kabort Motorsport - he fired me an invite. To quickly cut to the chase, the Daytona 24 Hours is coming up, so he decided to put up a session - some quali and a race. There was 2 sessions - 18.00, and 23.00 - I looked at the clock and it was 18.08 and I had to feed the cat and some other stuff to do - I believe I was also about to start "INFRA" (game) up for the first time in a while. Jump to 23.00, and the later session for Americans go up - I told myself - don't do it, it's a college night - and you need sleep - but then I thought "ah, 2am isn't that late"...brilliant idea. I qualify one of the last positions - I'm not sure if my lap was valid or not - but I got an offtrack during qualifying. The race comes - It's a two hour race - With the ELMS and the hiatus I'm having I think that just doing practice laps at Daytona is is and it isn't - it's good for learning braking points - but not pack racing. I take my first start since Week 13 - it doesn't go BADLY, It's just a regular start, none gained, a few lost due to the squirminess of the car. Fast forward 2 hours and I have caused absolute devastation. I am oblivious. I catch up and drive alongside Daniel, one of the Eleven9 Motorsport drivers, just because I recognise the livery. After I exit the car he isn't happy with my behavior - In the moment I shrug it off... But the Discord Server isn't laughing. All are staring at the elephant in the room. Throughout the race I blocked every single car that tried to pass me - I should've gone to the other side of the track - but I expected them to get around me. They had right of way, and I should have moved. This wasn't the only issue. I fought those who were lapping me - instead of just letting them get on with their race. Most notably was a mostly black Mercedes with a yellow stripe. I had "fun" with him - this was more of an annoyance, and quite dangerous. He would catch and pass me, and then I would use the slip-stream and sharp steering of the Ferrari to get past him - before holding him up. Two other key moments of the race were hitting two of the Eleven9 Motorsports cars. This was just me being too race-y, and out braking myself. It just had to be that car, in that situation. After asking Joseph earlier about relationships between the two teams, this could be seen as incredibly intentional - but I was absolutely devastated and appalled at my own driving standard. "Truswell what the hell was that crap out there man?" from a fellow team owner started the conversation on Discord. Even more painful was the fact that this was the team owner of Indy Autosports - Who also ran a black and gold Ferrari - only driven much more carefully. Truswell's Troubles Here is a list of incidents that happened: - Collisions with several cars throughout the race - Blocking Cars that were lapping me (both weaving, and not moving off-line - Severely Off The Race Pace - Lack Of Courtesy/Respect To Any Driver

- Inappropriate Flashing Of Headlights (Whilst Not Overtaking)

- Speeding down pit-lane, thus causing a 40 second time penalty

- Little to no complaints about other drivers, but myself. The race went on until 2am ish. I stayed up until 4am with an 8.45am college start after. Before the race, I had asked Gas too, what his opinion of Kabort's and Eleven9's relationship was and he echoed Joseph's words.

Following the race, he responded - and, in short, he made the point that words are forgotten, actions are remembered. Choices define both. How you CHOOSE to approach and deal with things will decide your future - for better or for worse. And this got me thinking - throughout my time at Kabort - both in the Daytona 2.4 hosted race, as well as the two other hosted races we haven't finished - has my decisions and the way I react on things negatively affected Kabort? Have I truly marred Kabort this time? There were many teams there, and many good teams at that - have I ruined Kabort's small reputation it had just by a foolish decision? Did I wear Gucci into a war-zone, expecting it to survive? Time will only tell, but as I grow older and mature, I will make better decisions, and react better to situations - words can only go so far - but it's the actions - it's the visual representation that matters. It's been proven that people judge your character in the tenth of a second - a blink of an eye. Surely throughout my 364 days on this service I have created a reputation of myself and Kabort. To top this bad day off - I had roughly 4 hours sleep, before going into college. I have been trying to hand in my Personal Statement since almost two or so weeks - and the teacher in charge just keeps handing it back to me with changes. With the deadline approaching on the 15th January, I was really not in the mood, but accepted it back anyway. This, followed by almost missing a lesson due to my foolishness meant that today was one to forget. With the world events that have happened in 2020 so far - including the flooding in Jakarta, Indonesia, fatal fires in Australia, Iran/Iraq/Tehran and American Tensions in addition to the absolutely horrific death of Dakar Motorcyclist Paulo Goncalves, this year is definietly going to be a struggle - especially considering that university lies ahead in September - where will I be going? What will I be doing? Am I mentally ready for it? Will my mental health cope? Will I lose my accommodation? It's now 5 days until the big race, the stints are set, the drivers have practiced, the pit-stops have been perfected. Sunday also marks my 19th Birthday. Sheesh I am getting old - it's going to be a wild old week. but I am ready and aiming for some positivity. For those reading, I apologise - I know this is wordy without pictures, I just thought you deserve to know what's going around my head without and bullshit, or distrations. See you next Blog, Robin.